yo is there any
coke in da house?? hahaha
hahaha is there
————————————-
oh fuck that band, fuck
i love that band. that movie
fuck i love that shit.
————————————-
key bumps! yes, it’s the
cleanest thing to put in your
nose, your fucking keys.
————————————-
This bathroom is full of
dicks. gettin my sniff on. none
for you, you French DICK
————————————-
it haunts me. cocaine,
haiku, it should work out, where
is the pun? where, where
“Y’all ready for this?”
CHECK THIS SHIT YO
GOT MY OWN WEBSITE
If any old mother fucker types my birth-given, Christian name into their computer internet web browser
“briantfiddyment.com”
BOOM
maybe their fingers slip while they’re jerkin their weiner
maybe a thug hoodlum in the projects reads it on an iphone that he jacked and it changes his life
maybe my girlfriend will finally read it and she’ll get OFF MY DICK abt how i spent $3,000 on the new domain name
mayb e e e …, just maybe
maybe somebody types it in, right in the blank white box with the flashing line
because they want to see.. me.
You heard it here first, i’m going all the way with this blog. I’m doing big things. Blog things. Big time blogging things. Are you ready for this?
“Y’all ready for this?”
Don’t let this picture fool you, blogging is no piece of cake.
SURE, WE KNOW BRIAN T FIDDYMENT AS A PASSIONATE, NECESSARY BLOGGER, A JOURNALIST OF THESE TROUBLED TIMES
BUT WE HAVE YET TO SEE BRIAN T FIDDYMENT, THE MASTER ACTOR
HERE, BRIAN SHOWS OFF HIS CHOPS WITH A MONOLOGUE FROM THE CINEMA CLASSIC NEW JACK CITY
Anybody that knows me know that family is the most important thing in the world to me. More important than wealth, fame, exacting revenge on the ganglord that killed my wife, or even going to the gym. My family made me the man I am today.
My mother and father went missing six months ago, so I recently have had to take in all 6 of my siblings. 3 boys, and 3 girls. Providing for these children, feeding them, taking them to school.. it hasn’t been easy, especially while I’ve been managing my wildly successful tumblr presence, http://briantfiddy.tumblr.com! But these past few months have been the most rewarding experience in my entire life.
Not to get too sappy, but I thought I’d just make a little post in their honour.
Deborah “Debbie” D. Fiddyment
Or, “Lil’ Debbie”, as we used to call her before she turned into a mother fucking heffer. Debbie’s been a fatass for the past two years now, and I’m the only one in our family who’s got the balls to tell her. Every day when she comes home from school, I remind her. I scream at her, “HOW DID YOU GET SO GOD DAMN FAT??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? YOU BETTER NOT EVER LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND EAT AT THE SAME TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL THROW UP.” It’s tough for me to do, but she’s just so gross.
Steven J. Fiddyment
Steve is the big star of the family. He’s a rapper, and he’s actually really good! He has a lot of street cred, because he accidentally shot one of my sisters in the face and killed her with my father’s hunting rifle once. And he’s not like most rappers these days, who only rap about money and clothes and thicky hoes ridin dat dick up in da club. Steven raps about shooting little girls in the face on accident with hunting rifles, and how much he loves candy and XBox.
Terrence Howard R. Fiddyment
Terrence Howard is going through a stage that I suppose every girl goes through when she gets a little bit into her teenage years, where she is being very defiant and uncommunicative, especially if I tell her to do anything. Terrence is turning into a very beautiful young woman right now, and there’s so much valuable advice that I want to give her. She just got this new Johnny Greaseball of a boyfriend, who is apparently a DJ who dropped out of 10th grade! I just love Terrence Howard so much, and I don’t want to see her go down the wrong road in life.
Edmund R. Fiddyment & Priscilla O. Fiddyment
Mom and Dad, when they went missing, also abandoned two yet-to-be-born twins, still in the womb, leaving me with no choice but to have them surgically implanted in my stomach and rear them myself. They’re due in two weeks, and boy, people aren’t kidding when they tell you about how crazy your hormones are when you’re pregnant! I’ve been punching Debbie in the stomach more than usual recently.
Alex S. Fiddyment
Alex is probably my favorite brother, even though he is a wanted criminal. He swears he didn’t do it, what more could I ask out of him? That little girl seems pretty slutty anyway.
Larry Bird - raw meat raining from the sky
Katherine Heigl - sexual intercourse with a man
Drake -his father’s face on his mother’s body with his best friend’s voice, telling him that he should stop fucking rapping
Antonio Banderas -the world runs out of tacos
Zac Efron - walking down a hallway. the floors and the walls are all made of a dull grey steel. walking, walking. soon, he turns around, to see where he even came from, and sees that the wall is directly behind him. he runs the other way and falls off an edge into dark. falling and falling and falling. in blackness. soon, a light appears. it’s not a white, bright, shining light, it’s a deep maroon light, as if it were coming through a filter. a floor appears. Zac’s father appears. “I have raised you to be a killer, Zac. And now you can finally kill me. I’m so proud of you. Kill me, Zac.” Zac’s father gives Zac a knife. The knife melts in Zac’s hands. “I’m so sorry, Dad,” Zac says as he slowly turns into a baby, “I am not a killing man. Goo Goo Ga Ga.” Then Zac wakes up.
“Hey, can I get two tacos? What’s that you say? ¡¡¡¡¡¡AY, DIOS MIO!!!!!!!”
-Antonio Banderas, actor
EVERYWHERE WE GOT STARVING FUCKING KIDS
ALL OVER THE PLACE
GODDAMNIT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
A PICTURE OF YOU RECTIFYING THE SITUATION.
LITTLE KIDS!
YOU WERE A KID ONCE
BUT YOU WEREN’T STARVING!
AND RIGHT NOW THERES MILLIONS OF THESE LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO HAVE EATEN A LITTLE BIT OF SHITTY FOOD EVERY DAY FOR THEIR WHOLE LIVES! WHICH HASN’T BEEN FOR VERY LONG SINCE THEY’RE STILL CHIDLREN!
Imagine these kids, but if they had no clothes on and all of their bones showing, andwere REALLY FUCKING HUNGRY
HOLY SHIT! HUNGRY KIDS! WHAT A WEIRD FUCKING IDEA. WE REALLY DROPPED THE BALL HERE. THE NOT LETTING SOMEBODY WHO CAN’T FEED THEMSELVES GO HUNGRY BALL. WHAT A FUCKING CROCK! HOW’D WE END UP DOING THAT?
DID KIDS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD JUST GO HUNGRY FOR NO REASON 500 YEARS AGO? I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW BUT I THINK I JUST MADE A REALLY GOOD POINT.
A POEM READING FROM BRIAN T FIDDYMENT
BRIAN T FIDDYMENT, ALWAYS EXPERIMENTING WITH NEW OUTLETS OF EXPOSING THE NAKED TRUTH OF THE PAIN OF OUR EXISTENCE. WHAT A CUTIE, TOO.
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?
Hey guys! I haven’t posted in a while, because I’ve been busy traveling the globe, on my worldwide “Laughs for Sexy Teens” stand-up comedy tour. Teens only, and I mean it! If I see an adult at one of these shows I vomit right on them. The Teens go wild for it.
Here’s some one-liners that I’ve been trying out, with poor results. I don’t know why! It’s certainly not because they’re not hilarious, but it’s probably because these Teens are too busy playing merciless games of sexual tension with each other. Do you, Teens!
————————————-
“I’m not saying that growing up as a white person has given me certain advantages in life, but if race was a race, it would be all of the other races racing against each other for white people’s amusement.”
“You guys ever think that this Jesus guy was kind of a drama queen? Fuck you, how dare you attack my beliefs like that.”
“A lot of the time everything just feels the same and I don’t know what i want or how i feel oh my god why can’t i be normal”
listen i know I talk too loud and close into the microphone, i’ve never seen myself do standup before okay
ok there you go are you happy????
Yes it’s true boys and girls, “culture week” is over. Now that there is no single facet of high art in the world throughout history that I have not touched upon, I can finally put this conquest to rest, and hang it as a metaphorical plaque on my metaphorical wall, if you’ll indulge me, of personal accomplishments. This will look real great to my “Is Nice to Waiters” and “Not A Girl, At Least” awards.
However, for those of you who can’t get enough of it, “Culture Week” is now being offered as a major at the University of Southern California. It’s true! You can now have your MFA (Masturbate Fuck crusty Ass) in Culture Week.
“See how he’s being sarcastic, class? He actually doesn’t think Shepard Fairey’s very good. Because Shepard Fairey isn’t very good at all.”
What a sophisticated week of blogging! The secret, not to reveal too much of my blogging tricks, was that each post this week has been written from a different famous dead rich person’s house. Today’s post is coming to you from the former home of Gene Siskel! The place was a fucking mess when I got here.
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
